


Doing It Wrong

by Mikazuki_Nika



Series: Nika's Banana Fish Oneshots [1]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, M/M, ash just wants eiji to be safe, based on a single manga page from that cute halloween party, based on that one page, eiji wouldn't listen either way tbh, he has to but he can't, he wants to send eiji home, middle of manga canon, song-fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 02:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15719748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mikazuki_Nika/pseuds/Mikazuki_Nika
Summary: On Halloween night, Ash takes some time to convince himself to let Eiji go.Part of canon-verse. Based on Drake's "Doing It Wrong."





	Doing It Wrong

* * *

**Oneshot: Doing It Wrong**

* * *

******Normal POV**

Nothing makes more sense than sending him home.

He knows it’s true - sees it on everyone’s faces, in the way they look at him - and there's nothing he can say or do to change that fact. But he sure as hell can ignore it for as long as possible. Drag it out. Keep Eiji by his side until his selfishness fades (read: until never). Protect him.

_I can’t._ The more honest part of his mind replies, and Ash presses his lips into a thin frown.

He’s sitting alone in the dark living room of their apartment. The moonlight comes in once in a while, from behind the smokey black clouds, and floods the room with light, pretending to be the sea and inviting him to a game of tag. Then, the room returns to that blue, inky blackness he’s familiar with most. The blare of a car horn cuts through his thoughts every once in a while from the street traffic below, despite how high up they are. There is no sound in the apartment otherwise, except for his heartbeat in his ears and mouth, his own breathing, and the occasional snore from the bedroom.

_When a good thing goes bad, it’s not the end of the world._ He tries to convince himself. But that more honest part of his brain speaks up again. _It’s just the end of a world that you have with Eiji._

A blond brow crinkles in annoyance as Ash inwardly squashes the voice. He tries to relax, feel the sofa’s smooth material under his fingertips, breathe a little easier. It doesn't come as easily as he wants it to.

His eyes wander the room. There are still some pieces of trash here and there leftover from their Halloween party, but thankfully the pumpkins, at least, have been cleared away to somewhere out of sight. The cans they had all been drinking from are scattered around every surface available, even the floor.

Seeing them reminds him of his conversation with Eiji.

Saying that he couldn't have a relationship with someone from the straight world wasn't something he had just blurted out. It was a long time coming. It had to be said. There really was no way that the people in _his_ world were going to let _this_ (whatever this even was) happen so easily. Eiji took it the wrong way, of course, that Japanese masochist. He immediately thought it was because he was a burden.

And that's not it. _It’s not._

_It's all because he doesn't want things to change._ Ash thinks suddenly, and he knows it to be true because he doesn't want things to change either.

But they have to. The only way he can guarantee Eiji’s safety - to Max and Ibe and Sing and Kong and Bones and Alex and to everyone else who loved Eiji too - is to send him away. Far, _far_ away from guns and violence and Ash.

He steels himself

_Cry if you need to, Eiji._ He thinks, as he stands up, the sofa groaning with the movement. He navigates through the sea of cans and garbage and paper decorations to the bedroom. _But I can’t stay to watch you._

Floating in the doorway, Ash waits a beat before going inside. Eiji’s breathing is soft and shallow and short. He really _is_ asleep. His feet take him to the thin sliver of space, just big enough to stand in, between their beds.

A bed creaks softly.

He’s sitting on the edge of Eiji’s now, eyes wandering around his exposed head and shoulders that aren't covered by the sheets and blanket. As usual, Eiji is asleep on his stomach, with one arm hanging over the side of the bed and another tucked under his pillow. It makes his athletic frame look longer and more lithe. The moonlight seems to like this room more, or perhaps it’s Eiji it likes more, because there's a constant stream of silvery beams present in the room. Eiji’s deep black hair glimmers lightly, and before he can stop himself, Ash finds himself reaching out.

_Touch if you need to._ He thinks, his knuckles just barely ghosting over Eiji’s cheek. _But I can’t stay to hold you._

He pulls his hand away, catching himself before he goes too far and accidentally wakes the boy. With a quiet sigh, he stands again and takes the two steps to his own bed, still messy from his first round of trying to sleep earlier (the score was obviously Sleep 1 - Ash 0). He curls into the familiar sheets, mind going back to every other time he’s tried to tell Eiji to go home.

The first time, he learned that Eiji wanted to recover from his slump as a pole-vaulter and see the end of all this with his own eyes. The second, he had learned what Eiji’s crying sounded like, even as he lurked in the kitchen to down that shot of whiskey. But he couldn't stay to hold him.

_Talk if you need to._ He thought, reflecting on Ibe’s comforting that time. _But I can’t stay to hear you._

He can’t stay to hear Eiji cry, to hold him, to listen to him talk. He _can’t._

It’s the wrong thing to do.

_I can’t have a relationship with someone from the straight world_ . He repeats to himself, turning onto his side and facing away from Eiji. He needs someone different. Someone who wouldn't get hurt in this world, someone who he couldn't hold back from their lives or drag down the way he is doing now. He _knows_ it, and so does Eiji, and so does everyone else.

_We all know it._

Something is missing. Something that would let them be together freely. Ash was _sure_ it was peace. If they could only have peace, if they could only crack down on banana fish and Golzine and all his supporters once and for all, if they could only go back to Japan together, if they could only.

But right now…

_We live in a time of not being in love and not being together_. And maybe that would change if this was all over, but Ash knows it's wishful thinking.

He knows he won't be able to leave this world. It's where he belongs. And Eiji… Eiji belongs to another, far away world that's safe and different from his own. All Ash has to do is return him.

His mind flashes through all of their time spent living together these past months.

_We’re not in love._ Ash tells himself, because they _can’t_ be. _And we’re not together._ He turns onto his back and lets his gaze return to Eiji’s sleeping face, then curses silently. _But we sure make it_ **_feel_ ** _like we’re together._

He stares at the ceiling, watching the stars in his eyes warp the blackness and twist it into patterns. It's painful to do this. To try and convince himself to tear away from Eiji as if they don't already have something special between them. To pretend everything will be fine, normal, again.

But… how had he lived without Eiji at his side before now? He can’t remember.

Ash shakes his head. Now isn't the time for such thoughts. He can relearn to live his life alone. He will make sure he is ready to send Eiji home once and for all without giving in again. He has to. It’s for the best.

_So cry if you need to, Eiji. Touch. Talk._ Ash resolutely turns away from Eiji once more, burrowing into the blankets as tears prickle at his eyes. He swallows thickly. _But I can’t stay._

_I can’t stay to listen._

And he knows exactly why.

_Because you'll promise me forever, and I’ll end up lying… saying “forever” too._

After all, the lynx never did come down from that mountain.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Keep an eye out for Eiji's song fic coming soon. 
> 
> I really only reread the one page where Ash tells Eiji about not being able to have a relationship with him (it's saved on my phone lololol), and not the rest of the volume, so I don't remember if Ash was thinking about sending Eiji back home to Japan at the same time, but let's be real here... when is he not?
> 
> Shower me with your angry angst tears by leaving a comment ;)
> 
> ~Nika


End file.
